FII TIMES

UFOS GO HOME

YESTERDAY, THE UFOS MET TOM ROCKET. MR. ROCKET TOLD THEM ABOUT HIS NEW SPACE ROCKET THAT HE AND HIS TEAM HAD PERFECTED AND TESTED A FEW WEEKS EARLIER. THE UFOS SEEMED DELIGHTED AT THE ROCKET. "IT WOULD BE A LITTLE BETTER IF IT WEREN'T GREEN," SAYS UFO CAPTAIN UGG BLOFFLE.

THE UFOS HAVE, BY NOW, LEARNED A FEW WORDS OF GNOMICORNISH (GA-NOO-MICK-CORN-ISH), THE FII LANGUAGE.

MR. ROCKET IS LOANING HIS ROCKET TO THE UFOS, WHO HAVE GREATLY APPRECIATE IT. THEY HAVE PROMISED TO RETURN IT WHEN THEY GET HOME AND CAN GET THEIR OWN SPACE SHIPS. "I PROGRAMMED AN AUTOMATIC FLY-HOME BUTTON THAT WILL BRING THE ROCKET BACK TO FII AND WILL LAND IT ON THE LEPRECHAUN GREEN HOUSE," SAYS MR. ROCKET.

THE UFOS TAKE OFF TOMMORROW IN FII CITY AT 1:30 PM.


KONING WANTS SEGREGATION

MARSHA LEPRECHAUN KONING, A LONG-TIME ACTIVIST AGAINST THE INTEGRATED SCHOOLS ACT, HAS NOW DECIDED THAT NOT ONLY SCHOOLS BUT EVERYTHING SHOULD BE SEGREGATED.

THIS IDEA HAS NEVER BEAN PRESENTED SO VIOLENTLY BEFORE. MS. KONING HAS GATHERED HER CULT AROUND HER AND MARCHED DOWN GOLD STREET, HOOFS STOMPING AND HORNS WAVING. WHEN INTERVIEWED, MS. KONING SAID, "WE DON'T WANT THOSE GREEN HATTERS IN THE SAME SCHOOLS AS OUR CHILDREN. WE DON'T WANT THEM INFLUENCING OUR CHILDREN IN BAD WAYS. IF THEY SHOULDN'T BE AROUND KIDS, THEN WHY SHOULD THEY BE AROUND ADULTS?"

THERE WERE SEVERAL COUNTER-RIOTS DURING THE MARCH. "FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS GOOD; FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS GOOD," CHANTED THE PROTESTORS, LED BY TOM ROCKET.

FII CITY OFFICIALS SAY THAT KONING WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO MARCH AGAIN. "THIS ISN'T AMERICA, WE DON'T NEED FREEDOM OF SPEECH."

PROTESTORS CLAIM THEY ARE NOT FINISHED WITH THE ISSUE. "WE BELIEVE THAT LEPRECHAUNS AND UNICORNS CAN LIVE PEACEABLY TOGETHER," SAID LEPRECHAUN X.