POT'O GOLD

LEPRECHAUN

FIII TIMES

INCREASE IN LEPRECHAUNTITUS

THE DISEASE LEPRECHAUNTITUS THAT TURNS A HUMAN SLOWLY INTO A LEPRECHAUN HAS INCREASED IN A LOT OF HUMANS. "IT IS INCURABLE AS FAR AS WE KNOW BUT THERE IS A WAY TO PREVENT IT." SAID DR. BOB SMITH,500, A DOCTOR AT THE FOREST OF FII HOSPITAL.

FII TIMES

UFOS GO HOME

YESTERDAY, THE UFOS MET TOM ROCKET. MR. ROCKET TOLD THEM ABOUT HIS NEW SPACE ROCKET THAT HE AND HIS TEAM HAD PERFECTED AND TESTED A FEW WEEKS EARLIER. THE UFOS SEEMED DELIGHTED AT THE ROCKET. "IT WOULD BE A LITTLE BETTER IF IT WEREN'T GREEN," SAYS UFO CAPTAIN UGG BLOFFLE.

THE UFOS HAVE, BY NOW, LEARNED A FEW WORDS OF GNOMICORNISH (GA-NOO-MICK-CORN-ISH), THE FII LANGUAGE.

MR. ROCKET IS LOANING HIS ROCKET TO THE UFOS, WHO HAVE GREATLY APPRECIATE IT. THEY HAVE PROMISED TO RETURN IT WHEN THEY GET HOME AND CAN GET THEIR OWN SPACE SHIPS. "I PROGRAMMED AN AUTOMATIC FLY-HOME BUTTON THAT WILL BRING THE ROCKET BACK TO FII AND WILL LAND IT ON THE LEPRECHAUN GREEN HOUSE," SAYS MR. ROCKET.

THE UFOS TAKE OFF TOMMORROW IN FII CITY AT 1:30 PM.


KONING WANTS SEGREGATION

MARSHA LEPRECHAUN KONING, A LONG-TIME ACTIVIST AGAINST THE INTEGRATED SCHOOLS ACT, HAS NOW DECIDED THAT NOT ONLY SCHOOLS BUT EVERYTHING SHOULD BE SEGREGATED.

THIS IDEA HAS NEVER BEAN PRESENTED SO VIOLENTLY BEFORE. MS. KONING HAS GATHERED HER CULT AROUND HER AND MARCHED DOWN GOLD STREET, HOOFS STOMPING AND HORNS WAVING. WHEN INTERVIEWED, MS. KONING SAID, "WE DON'T WANT THOSE GREEN HATTERS IN THE SAME SCHOOLS AS OUR CHILDREN. WE DON'T WANT THEM INFLUENCING OUR CHILDREN IN BAD WAYS. IF THEY SHOULDN'T BE AROUND KIDS, THEN WHY SHOULD THEY BE AROUND ADULTS?"

THERE WERE SEVERAL COUNTER-RIOTS DURING THE MARCH. "FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS GOOD; FOUR LEGS GOOD, TWO LEGS GOOD," CHANTED THE PROTESTORS, LED BY TOM ROCKET.

FII CITY OFFICIALS SAY THAT KONING WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO MARCH AGAIN. "THIS ISN'T AMERICA, WE DON'T NEED FREEDOM OF SPEECH."

PROTESTORS CLAIM THEY ARE NOT FINISHED WITH THE ISSUE. "WE BELIEVE THAT LEPRECHAUNS AND UNICORNS CAN LIVE PEACEABLY TOGETHER," SAID LEPRECHAUN X.

FII TIMES

UFOS TRY TO GO HOME

OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS THE UFOS WHO CRASH LANDED HERE LAST WEEK HAVE BEAN TRYING TO RETURN HOME. THEY CALLED IN THE HELP OF LEPRECHAUN SCIENTIST BILL BOBSON TO REPAIR THERE SPACE SHIP. WHEN BOBSON DECLARED THE SPACE SHIP UNFIXABLE THE UFOS RAN INTO THE WILD. TEN SEARCH PARTIES HAVE BEAN SENT OUT BUT SO FAR BUT NOBODY HAS FOUND ANYTHING.

UFO SPREAD ALIEN DISEAS

SEVERAL OF THE UFUS (UNIDENTIFIED FROCKING UNICORNS) THAT WERE PRESENT AT THE UFO CRASH HAVE BEGUN TO GET UNCURABLE HICCUPS. THEY ALSO HAVE RASHES THAT NO AMOUNT OF BABY POWDER CAN GET RID OF. DR. ROB LAWSON A DOCTOR AT FII HOSPITAL SAYS "THEY ARE IN A CRITICAL CONDITOION. WE CANNOT TELL IF THEY WILL LIVE TO FROCK AGAIN." UFUS WERE NOT AVAILABLE FOR INTERVIEW.

FII TIMES

JOE UNICORNIO ATRACTS KIDS TO SMOKING

MAGICAL FOREST OF FII-TODAY LEPRECHAUN TOBACCO CO. INTRODUCED A NEW FIGURE TO ATRACT KIDS. SINCE THEN, HUNDREDS OF KIDS HAVE FLOCKED TO THE STORE TO BY THE POPULAR CIGARETTES.

THE NEW FIGURE HAS BEEN AN IN-YOUR-FACE IMPEDIMENT TO ANTI-SMOKERS AROUND THE WORLD. HIPPIES HAVE BEEN CONGREGATING OUTSIDE THE TOBACCO COMPANY TO PROTEST. LEPRECHUAN TOBACCO CO. MAINTAINS THAT HIPPIE PROTESTERS ARE ALL HIGH ON CRACK.

TIRED OF THE ORDINARY TWO-DIMENSIONAL BILLBOARDS, LERECHAUN TOBACCO CO. IS USING FOUR-DIMENSIONAL, TIME-TRAVELING JOEBOARDS. THE ANIMATED CREATION CAN NOW LOOK DOWN ON YOU FROM ANY TIME OR PLACE.

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY KIDS AGAINST SMOKING, A GROUP THAT MAINTAINS THAT SMALL GREEN MEN CARRYING FOUR-LEAF WEEDS WILL DISCOURAGE YOUNG PEOPLE FROM LIGHTING UP.


UFOS MEET UFUS

MAGICAL FOREST OF FII-TODAY, TWO UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS (UFOS) CRASHED IN THE FII CLEARING DURING FROCKTIME. FROCKTIME, AS YOU MAY WELL KNOW, IS WHEN UNIDENTIFIED FROCKING UNICORNS GATHER AND FROLICK.

ALL THE UFOS HURRYED OFF THE SHIP AND, UPON SEEING THE UFUS, BEGAN TO SCREAM, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

"PLEASE," SAID BOB UNICORNIO, PRESIDENT OF THE UNICORNS, "DO NOT SCREAM. YOU ARE DISTURBING OUR DAILY FROCKING."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," REPLIED THE UFOS.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK," SCREAMED THE UFUS.

UNICORNIO ATTEMPTED TO RESTORE ORDER. "PLEASE STOP SHOUTING," HE IMPLORED EVERYONE.

THE REST OF THE DAY CONTINUED FROM THERE. UNICORNIO OFFERED THE UFOS THE TOWN'S HOSPITALITY, WHICH THE UFOS READILY ACCEPTED. MOST UFUS DID NOT SEEM HAPPY ABOUT THE SITUATION .

FII TIMES 1ST EDITION

LEPRECHAUNS LAND ON MOON

500 YEARS AGO THREE LEPRECHAUNS DECIDED THAT THEY WOULD FIND A WAY TO GO TO THE MOON. THEY HAD HEARD THAT MAN COULD GO ON THE MOON. THEY HAD NO INTENTION OF BEING LEFT BEHIND BY THOSE NOSE PICKING, ARMPIT SCRATCHING, CAR-MAKERS. "WE WORKED ON DIFFERENT KINDS OF TOY ROCKETS FOR DECADES UNTIL WE FINALLY DECIDED TO COPY A HUMAN ROCKET DESIGN," SAID TOM ROCKET,1000. ONE OF THE LEPRECHAUNS WHO TOOK THE ROCKET DESIGN FROM THE HUMANS.

HORNLESS UNICORNS

MANY UNICORNS HAVE BEEN HAVING THERE HORNS SURGICALLY REMOVED SO THAT THEY CAN LIVE LIKE ORDINARY HORSES. THEY HAVE FOUND THAT HUMAN FARMERS ARE VERY NASTY TO THERE HORSES. "THEY MAKE US EAT RAW OATS AND THEY RIDE AROUND ON OUR BACKS LIKE WERE A COUPLE OF THERE SMELLY OLD CARS. I MEAN WERE MAGICAL ANIMALS, WE DESERVE SOME RESPECT,"

BROUGHT TO YOU BY:
UNICORN HORNS, HEARS YOUR POINT IN LIFE!